Friday, June 10, 2011

Thinking Back...

I haven't been on the computer much this week since the surgery. I was too drugged (me and my 1/2 a pill) or too tired laying on the couch, or just too damn lazy to just read anything. But today I got up started catching up on some of the blogs I read. One of the blogs I've recently started to follow is The Anti-Jared. He is very similar to my husband in many ways and I love the passion in his words.

Today he wrote about another blogger's post and it was soo interesting to me. This is what he copied:

Last week, she asked a question…..
What do you think… what do you *honestly* think… when you see a very obese mother with her very obese young child? What do you think? Do you make any assumptions? How do you feel towards the mother? Towards the child?

I thought about it for a minute and I felt a little sad. I think that I would feel bad for the mom. I've been obese. Actually, at my current size 10, 160 lbs, I'm still technically obese by BMI standards. Although, most people, especially those who've known throughout my journey feel that I look healthy and should be proud of my accomplishments, I'm still worried everyday when I get dressed.

I get a twinge of fear when I am folding my clothes and they look too small for me to possibly fit into them and I'm amazed each time that I pull one on and it isn't bulging. I'm afraid that I will pass that awful pain of being overweight to my children.

I hate the stages that they go through when the first grow "out" then "up". I'm constantly comparing my daughters to their classmates hoping that they never become the 'big girl" that I was. I've had conversations about eating in moderation. Discussing healthy snacks and choices. Trying to workout out and play with my kids to get them excited and active, but it scares me.

I remember my mom putting me into modeling school in 8th grade. I was 141lbs and maybe about 5 feet tall. That was the year that I started my slim-fast diet. I would bring a thermos to school each day and say that I was just drinking chocolate milk and that I would eat when I got home. It worked. I was down to 126lbs and looking pretty cute... even got myself a boyfriend. lol

I remember Terry - the program director- telling me I still had to get down to 108. There was no way! I was already down to an 8 and I am not a small framed girl no matter how you looked at it. It was never enough. When I got to high school, I stopped the Slim-Fast and the 7day diet that had me eating spinach salad, and a cup of cottage cheese with 6 saltine crackers. Or even dry tuna fish on a piece of dry toast. Aren't you tempted to try this one??? I was 13 yrs old!!

I was up to 162 lbs by the time I graduated high school and then I started working out with my brother. I was running, lifting, sprinting, plyometrics, all the good stuff and lost almost 20lbs before entering undergrad. I was once again, HOT. I scored another boyfriend and once again, started my journey back up to 160lbs.I was still comfortable because he loved me and no one ever said anything.

When we broke up, I spent all of my time in the gym - studying, avoiding the dining the hall, trying not to just sleep the day away. I lost the weight and we started dating again. Damn it! Then I stopped going to the gym, started eating again, and building up to 160lbs - when I graduated I was 164lbs. Isn't it amazing I can tell you all of these weights?!?! I remember them all... they are burned into my brain.

I graduated grad school a whooping 181lbs and met my hubby when I was 185. Now, I wasn't trying to impress. On our first date, I wore my overalls with a t-shirt that had a pocket on my chest big enough for a quarter. But he loved me... instantly :)

He was a chef and in that first year I gained 35 lbs!


It's embarrassing now to think about it. I can remember ordering my dress for my brother's wedding and calling my SIL and telling her that they charged my for a plus size dress even though I wasn't that big. I can only imagine what she was thinking on the other side of the phone.

I remember feeling angry that these people were trying to make me bigger than I was. What was I thinking?? I was over 200 lbs and couldn't see how big I was. 

I remember about this time, my husband (soon to be, at the time) and I were walking to the Chinese Restaurant near our apartment and a car drove by and someone shouted out the window "Fat Asses!!". I was hurt and embarrassed, but never said anything. I pretended like I hadn't heard them.

6 months later it was my turn to get married. We had decided on a Medieval Wedding, which was great. I had my grandmother make my dress and it was beautiful. It was satin and velvet and layers upon layers. It was a BIG dress! 

I'm still so sad that I was never able to try dresses on for my wedding. I wanted to have her make it and I found the perfect one, but I think I was always afraid to not fit into any. I never got the opportunity to have people ooohhh and aaahhh. I never got to have the girls go with me to try to help find the right one. 

I don't get much joy looking at my pictures anymore. I look and see the memories and LOVE that feeling, but I feel bad for the girl I see when I look at me. 

I never felt big that day. I did feel like a princess... with my prince who loves me no matter what. 

I am going to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose.

I am going to make sure that my kids never have to go through what I went through. I will make sure that they understand how to avoid that. I will help them LOVE their bodies... no matter what! 

I've already told my husband (who's already lost 60lbs) that we will be renewing our vows and I WILL be trying on dresses... even if I will be renting it for the day. I will be the beautiful bride (with only 1 chin) and I will be healthy!!

So to that obese mom with an obese child... I am thinking... Don't give up! You aren't alone and it's not impossible. To that mom in the spandex with an obese child... you need to find balance, and to that mom who appears to be "normal" and struggles everyday, just remember that it's a journey with ups and downs. As long as you love yourself and you teach your child to do the same, you can overcome anything!!

***BTW - Payton asked me the other night who that person was in the picture. The picture of me for my brothers wedding. That tells me that I'm still on the right path... and I am not going to give it up!

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